Living in the Grey

I feel I probably left a few of you wondering......
So I will just get to the point.....
This past January, I found out I was pregnant.  Shock, huge shock.  It sounds amazing, and it is, but when I saw the 'pregnant" sign on the test, my heart ached.  I cried.  I knew unless God worked a miracle, we would lose Sophi.  Korea has laws set in place that if you become pregnant even after you accept your referral you will have to give up the child.  Ugh.....just writing that opens my heart once again.  We waited to tell the agency until I got a confirmed pregnancy.  Jerrell and I prayed and prayed and prayed for God to give us both of our babies.  In my mind, I was looking at it black and white.  I either get Sophi and lose this pregnancy or get this baby and lose Sophi.  To me at the end we were going to lose something.  Things happened along the way that would encourage me that maybe God had different plans....maybe I would get both of my sweet babies.  I finally called our agency, Dillon International, to talk to our case worker.  I explained our situation as I cried.  She told me they would plead our case but not to be hopeful because situations like this didn't usually turn out in favor of the adoptive parents.  At the end of the conversation I asked if there was anything I could do to help plead our case for our little girl.  She told me we could write a letter but needed it ASAP.  So as soon as we got off the phone, I poured my heart out.  It was very hard to write a letter trying to convince them to please let us have our daughter.  I feel like deep down I knew God's answer but I continued to push and push.  A lot of anxiety filled my heart as we waited for their verdict.  About two weeks later Dillon called me and gave me the news.....Korea adhered to their laws and Sophi would be placed with another family. Even as I write this so many months later it grips my heart more than anything I have ever felt.  I loved her with all my being.  My husband loved his daughter.  My parents and in laws loved their granddaughter.  My grandparents loved her.  One of my sweet grandmothers even had her picture framed on the great grandkid wall.  We loved her.  We still love her.  It was loss. A loss that makes your knees buckle and cry out to God, Why?  Why, after I felt Him speaking to me about her would He then take her away.  I am seeing a little of Gods "why" all these months later.  I will never understand it completely this side of heaven but I am trusting in Him, His sovereignty.
I am going to start a new blog!  Our adoption journey I feel is not over. This chapter is but God has made it very clear to Jerrell and I that this is not the end.  We don't know what it will look like but ready.  Our little boy Jack is due at the end of September!!!  We are beyond excited.  God is good, even during difficult times.  He gives and He takes away.....but I am  choosing to bless His name!
Living in the grey has become my life motto.  At first, I thought either I would get Sophi and lose the pregnancy or vice versa.  I didn't believe God to do both.  I know He could have done both.  But the grey ended up not being what I thought, that God would give us both.  Living in the grey to me is when things don't go as expected, whether good or bad, believing  that God can do things in us that is beyond our comprehension, beyond our understanding.  He has done that for us.  I will elaborate more in some future blogs possibly but I am choosing to live in the grey.....to live in the Hope of our Savior.