Adoption?!!

    I am not really sure how to explain or give an exact time when I knew God had called me to adopt.  I was maybe 12 or 13 when I remember seeing something on TV about adoption that spoke to me.  At that moment, I just thought this was something else that made me get quite emotional.  I tend to live emotionally and passionately...sometimes thats good sometimes thats bad.....just ask my sweet hubby.  :) So, as the years passed I just remained silent in this desire really.  I didn't put two and two together that God was truly preparing my heart for something that would take place 20 years later.  I can feel the emotion that swelled up inside of me when I would attend a concert usually christian, that would promote adoption or taking care of orphans.  I couldn't resist the tears that filled my eyes.  I married an amazing generous and loving guy....but adoption at that time was not even a part of his plan or a thought that had crossed his mind.  Of course me, didn't quite understand why anyone would not want to adopt....even though God would eventually change my husbands heart, it was me he worked on.  So many times He spoke to me and said, my child not in your time but in Mine.  He had so many things He needed to work out in me, in Jerrell and in our marriage before we could take a step of faith like adoption would call for.  As most of you know, we emarked upon a long journey of infertility, short to some who also have experienced this hard and lonely battle.  Before we even decided to try some unconventional methods of fertility treatment we attended an adoption seminar in Arlington with Dillon International.  Let me back up for a minute.....International adoption was my heart.  I never thought of domestic.  At the time, I couldn't explain to anyone why that was, but now I know it was just part of God's amazing plan.  When we attended the seminar Jerrell was as he says "70% against adoption, 30% for......so I guess that means he went with a little curiosity.  We learned a lot.  But, after we returned home to Austin, Jerrell told me, his heart wasn't in it.  He really wanted to try to have a biological child first.  I was ok with that....ok, maybe I was disapointed.  Yes, I wanted that biological child, I wanted to feel what pregnacy felt like but I was so scared that we may never revisit this deep burning desire that was flooding my heart.  Little did I know, that once again God was telling me to be still and patient and know He is God.  Man, you would think I would have it down by now but God has to remind me of this truth so very often in my daily walk with Him.  Another reason I am so thankful for His Grace.  We started our infertility testing.  We were told in November "07" that we most likely could not have kids, to me finding out I was pregnant in Jan. "08".  Of course in my mind, I knew it was Gods plan for me to carry this child and become a mommy this year.  God had other plans.....I miscarried several weeks later.  It was devastating, yes, but I can look back at that time and see the growth that needed to happen.....the clinging I need to do with my precious Savior.  He carried me through.....wow, HE carried me through.  I can not think of many other times in my life besides my miscarriages that I have seen God carry me through the way He did.  He was so sweet to my broken heart.  I am forever grateful to my Savior for He is worthy to be PRAISED.  After the miscarriage we took a break with infertility and just really prayed and thought I would get pregnant without any treatments.  A few years passed and we felt ready and willing to take the next step.  In Vitro fertilization was what the doctors recommended.....boy did I have my reservations.....so many ethical dilemmas I thought.  We prayed and prayed and felt God leading us to this decision.  We did one cycle and God blessed us with Tucker in February 2010.  Tucker has been the sweetest blessing.  I am so thankful that God let me experience pregnancy.

One of the ethical dilemmas with IVF is the number of leftover embryos.  I knew God had all this in His hands so when we went ahead with IVF, we had to just put all our faith in Him.  We had two embryos left over from our first cycle.  We began to revist the idea to do a frozen transfer....before we began, I found out I was pregnant again.   ended up losing this pregnancy and once again my sweet Jesus wrapped me in His arms and walked us through.  We decided to try our frozen transfer in October 2011.  The frozen transfer did not work.  We were heartbroken.  We struggled with what God wanted us to do from here.  I had so much turmoil about going through the whole IVF process again.  Jerrell was so sweet and supportive on whatever I wanted to do but I think deep down both of us had reservatioins.  Those reservations were God saying this was not His plan for our family.  I went to spend my birthday weekend with my bestie in Ruston.....once again Gods perfect timing.  One thing I can always count on Mandy for is to tell me truth.....Gods truth.....not what I want to hear but what I need to hear.  I asked her ....what she thought, should we try IVF again?  She looked at me with relief.....God had been preparing her to talk to me.  She had prayed that very morning in the shower for such a time as this.  She spoke Truth to me.  She told me to follow what God has put in my heart....Adopt.  I could have cried and buried myself in her arms....but I didn't, we had a movie to see!!!!  Thank you Mandy for speaking truth to me.  You are a spiritual giant in my life.  I will be forever grateful that God used you to start this amazing journey.  On my way home from Ruston it was like God gave me a peace that I had not had in a long time.  That peace beyond understanding.....just another time in my life I was able to witness this divine God- made emotion.  When I got home, I sat down with Jerrell and told him I had made a decision but it was only mine and I needed to hear what he had in mind.  He agreed!  He agreed! What???  U wanna adopt too?  As calmly and as easily as he could, have shared this info with me, he did.  Yes, God had changed my husbands heart and we were about to live a dream.....we were about to do something that I am humbly thanking God daily, sometimes hourly, for choosing us to love bigger, love deeper.  Thank you God for choosing our family to eventually love a sweet sweet baby from Korea.  Let the journey begin......

Wow, long post, thanks to ya'll who stuck with me through this one. :) I will write more soon....I have lots to catch up on as we are beginning our journey to adopt from South Korea.  YAY!!